Contents from the book 'Choosing to Love'

PREFACE

PART 1 IDENTIFYING THE FEAR OF COMMITMENT

CHAPTER 1 The predictable plot

Stage One: Hot Pursuit
Stage Two: The Turning of the Tide
Stage three: The yo-yo phase
Stage four: The end
Stage five (optional): Encores and repeat performances

A profile of the commitment-phobic man

Material possessions
Accommodation
Career
Friendships

CHAPTER 2 The triggers for his fear

Sexual contact
The waning of romantic love
Tying the knot
Children
The house
Work and financial pressures
Any time intimacy threatens

When the going gets tough

CHAPTER 3 The experience of the fear of commitment

Features of a fear-dominated relationship

Ambivalence
Duration
Prohibited areas
Caveats on closeness (Work; Unfinished business; 'I have a problem with ...')
Unreliability
Flimsy excuses

Structuring Closeness Out

The retreat from intimacy

The impulse towards encounter

The journey inwards Romantic love: shortcut to the depths

The development of the ego

Dancing between fear and longing

Waking up

CHAPTER 4 The causes of the fear of commitment

1. Individual influences

Attachment
Self-concept
Parental example
Personal experience: broken hearts and broken vows

2. Gender

Perceptual differences
The biological time-clock
Role confusion (or what makes a man a man?)

3. Sociocultural

Change
Object-orientation
Image consciousness
The ethos of acquisitiveness
The myth of romantic love

PART 2 DEALING WITH YOUR FEAR OF COMMITMENT

CHAPTER 5 Changing Your Behaviour

Dissatisfaction
Awareness and choice
Decision

Eleven steps in dealing with the fear of commitment

Step one: Get clear about what the problem really is
Step two: Understand the purpose of your fear
Step three: Identify the origin of your fear
Step four: Understand the function of your fear
Step five: Think rationally about your fear
Step six: Get clear about what you want in your relationships
Step seven: Identify how you have resisted the influence of your fear
Step eight: Identify the outcomes of the commitments you have made
Step nine: What are you waiting for?

1. Waiting for more information
2. Waiting to be ready
3. Waiting for perfection

Step ten: Choose what you want in your life
Step eleven: Act!

CHAPTER 6 Changing your attitude

1. Engaging with the process of change

Develop the capacity for detachment
Feel your fear
Do anything else
Remember that any change is a kind of death
Maintain a balanced approach to change
Connect to the larger world

2. Changing the way you think about commitment

Find an appropriate level of commitment
Independence vs interdependence
Having vs being
Taking vs giving
Withdraw your projections and attend to your inner journey
“Here and now, boys ...”
Your attitude influences your experience

PART 3 DEALING WITH ANOTHER'S FEAR OF COMMITMENT

CHAPTER 7 Taking care of yourself

DURING involvement with a man afraid of commitment

How much is he prepared to change?
Don't blame yourself for what has happened
Don't take responsibility for him
Be cautious about what he says
Understand that he may not change
Let go of your need to make the relationship work
Start thinking of your own needs
Know what the real problem is
Be careful and purposive in your communication

AFTER involvement with a man afraid of commitment

Don't blame yourself for what has happened
Allow yourself a time for grieving
Now that you're out, stay out
Choose to be out
Start thinking of yourself as an independent person
Make decisions and choices about your own life

BEFORE involvement with a man afraid of commitment

Don't lose yourself in the relationship prematurely
Check out his past
Look at other areas of his life
Watch how he behaves with you
At the first sign of danger, back off
Taking responsibility
Self-blame and guilt
Changing your patterns of relating

CHAPTER 8 Choosing to love

Choosing wisely

Choosing responsibility

Love

The spirit of loving
Loving as serving
Trusting love
The gift of love